Rest in peace.

Stunningly, the DC local news is about as useful as the local news in any other city where I’ve lived. For some reason, I expected the local channels in our nation’s capital to have some substance.

Here’s a quick recap of today’s top stories:

• Home burglary results in theft of a replica Superbowl ring and a Nintendo. Suspect and missing items still at large.
• Fall shoe preview. Flats are HOT! Oh, but so are heels. And boots.
• Man puts kids in trunk of car. His defense: they were curious and wanted to check it out.
• Man at local VA mall sought in conjuntion with “upskirting” charges, defined as walking around and filming up young girls’ skirts.

Yesterday at 4 PM, I was driving up North Avenue, in the middle of the City of Atlanta. Just before I reached Freedom Parkway, I noticed a chicken pecking away at the curb.

Does anyone have any theories as to what it was doing there?

There are a lot of chickens in Georgia, but I usually don’t see them minutes from downtown.

Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: ‘Honk’

If only I’d known this little tactic earlier. On two occasions last week, my commute home was over an hour and a half. Ridiculous.

Isn’t it dangerous to use your camera phone while driving? Not when you’re going 0 and still 2 miles from the 400 toll. 

After finding poisonous melamine in pet food imported from China, consumers have also discovered melamine in cheap imported Chinese toothpaste (as much as I rag on the ADA for being a bunch of whores — which they certainly are — you should look for their logo on your toothpaste). Now consumers are discovering lead-based paint in children’s toys. Another report showed a plastic eyeball filled with kerosene. Last year saw a record number of product safety recalls for products manufactured in China. Nice…

American consumers are demanding greater oversight of imported goods. Of course, the NY Times is all over this. But didn’t SNL’s Consumer Probe scoop this back in 1977?

(Courtesy of SNL Transcripts)

Joan Face: My guest tonight is Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Novelties, and Chairman of the Board of Mainway Latex Corporation. Mr. Mainway, you are clearly the main flagrant offender in this area. For instance, your company manufactures and distributes this Halloween costume.. [ picks it up and holds it ] ..Johnny Space Commander mask, which retails for $6.95. It’s nothing more than a plastic bag and a rubber band. This is very dangerous for young children!

Irwin Mainway: [ grabs the costume ] Okay, I’m gonna say something about my product right here, Johnny Space Commander mask. I want to say, first of all, it’s a very fluid item, in terms of sales. I don’t know, Miss Face, if you’re familiar with the movie “Star Wars”? Well, this movie has generated a tremendous amount of popularity and enthusiasm about space and science fiction. [ rips open the costume packaging ] This Johnny Space Commander mask here is a pure fantasy toy. I mean, you know, kids can have a lot of fun with a toy like this, you know? Let me show you.. [ puts the plastic bag over his head, then wraps the rubber band around it ] “Hello, hello, this is Johnny Space Commander. I’m in deep space, I’m gonna land the rocket now!” You see what I mean? [ takes off the plastic bag ] You see what I mean? It’s a pure fantasy toy!

This is my first exclusive. When I got to hartsfield, the us airways computers were down and the line was ridiculous. A woman told me that all networks were down at the airport, which I didn’t believe. Systems have redundancy and don’t go down unless some doofus cuts through a line. Now they’re saying all airline systems nationwide went down, potentially due to a storm.

I’m at the gate and right now I’m looking at a soldier, a kid who is maybe 20. He looks a bit tired and seems out of place. The CNN airport news is talking about increasing troop levels in Iraq. A woman in a headscarf walks by with her husband. Kids are running around and playing with toys. A gentleman asks the soldier where he’s going and he says home, and I’m not convinced he really wants to go. He looks terrified.

Opposite me is a billboard with the dalai llama, right next to the coke machines.

Maybe its early but this is an eiry collage.

Just met Forrest and Shady at Fellini’s. I almost live there now, because it’s the one place I can hobble to and also because with the renovation the pizza is better (new oven) and they have Rogue ale on draft.

I wanted to catch up with some riders and hear about their weekend. Most were still out of commission or traveling back to ATL. It’s going to be a rough Tuesday for everyone.

Forrest had a bit of bad luck with his tires out at Dausett. I filled him in on the BURN. 

Still life with crutches and salt shaker

Poised to strike.

Near miss. Not quite the same as stalking the feather toy.

Attempting to reacquire the target.

Escape. Intent on self-immolation, the hunted eludes its hunter.